In this new column, Eyal Pavell shares what he thinks about in coaching in relation to a range of issues.

Part 1: Clients seen as blunt or aggressive

 

Working with clients who come to coaching because of being perceived as ‘blunt’, ‘insensitive’ or ‘verbally aggressive’ is quite common in my coaching practice. It’s also one of my favourite topics to coach on. 

The desired outcome is quite clear in many and obvious ways: the client will need to engage with others in a positive, open and more empathic manner. He or she will need to motivate others rather than alienate. They’ll show a higher degree of emotional intelligence, create supporters rather than adversaries, become a well-rounded leader and perhaps even get that promotion.

The need for coaching will usually present itself backed up by ‘reputational issues’, 360-degree survey data, managers’ evaluation, unsuccessful promotion feedback, or even formal complaints. While the framing of the problem and the desired outcomes are clearly behavioural, my experience has shown me time and again that helping someone change their interaction and communication style isn’t merely about addressing a skills gap or focusing on developing new behaviours. The behaviour is the manifest problem, but it’s only an outcome of below-the-surface variables: the stories people tell themselves and that involve self-image, psychological coping mechanisms and organisational culture. 

Tempting as it is to delve into the details of the problem behaviour during the initial scoping of the coaching with the client’s managers and other sponsors of the coaching, I find my interest drawn to the interface between the client and the organisational system around them. I ask: ‘What led to the issue to become a coaching need now?’ and ‘How has the client’s behaviour been addressed?’

 

A contract

In the initial phase of the coaching, I’m listening to understand a little about the facts, but a lot about the dynamics of the situation. Behaviour becomes a sustained pattern when it meets with a predictable response from the environment. When a person behaves in a certain way, they’re not just acting as individuals on their own behalf –they’re interacting with and in their environment. 

There’s a psychological contract playing out that will last as far and as long as both sides will tolerate it. When it’s breached and the status quo no longer holds, it’s hoped that maybe someone from the outside – a coach! – can fix it. As a coach, I’m interested in the nature of the specific psychological-behavioural contract and the dynamics that enabled it. 

When meeting with the client for the first time I’m particularly curious. The very first minutes of an interaction hold a particular quality of information, often encapsulating the signature dynamics that will play out again and again unless disrupted. Someone stepping into what is a new, potentially stressful interaction with a stranger shows their particular form of relating, interacting and impressing upon the other person. I’m looking to register as much data as possible. This includes paying attention to the words spoken and how they’re spoken, physical expression and the use of the meeting space, the patterns of conversation between us and the feelings and impressions that are evoked in our interaction and that may reflect the unconscious dynamics at play. 

Earlier on it’s hard to know if a piece of information is crucial, incidental or irrelevant, it is noted but held lightly. With time, if these dynamics repeat, I’ll share what I see and check with the client – is this the impact they intend to have on people? What do they see when they’re aware of their own dynamics and what would they like to change?

 

Unique construct

In my experience, maladaptive behaviours are seldom due to a lack of skills or capabilities – almost all executives I meet are practised in at least a basic repertoire of nice- enough, sociable behaviours. Helping someone change their pattern of behaviour isn’t so much a matter of coaching them on ‘how’ to behave better, but rather about helping them update the sequence of small, reflexive decisions that create an internal logic where responding with aggression is the inevitable conclusion. This internal logic is laden with issues that usually include earlier experiences, values, identity and purpose, all aspects of ‘Being’ that underpin the behavioural ‘Doing’.  

Unravelling their unique construct requires both the conducive mindset – curious, non-judgemental, ‘beginners mind’ – as well as the accompanying toolkit of questions and structuring. It challenges the coach to listen from a different vantage point, one that sees the client as a whole person, from different angles and perspectives, beyond the problems, getting as close as possible to unpacking the question of ‘What does all this mean for you?’ and seeing where a new and more adaptive meaning can be found.

 

Respect the narrative

I’m particularly attuned to listening to the client’s story about the situation – how they make sense of it. This is what I see as one of the most important interfaces in coaching (and indeed in any context where change is on the agenda): the tension between the ‘objective’ facts and the subjective experience of the individual.

The objective fact may be that the person lashed out at someone who made an error on a particular issue. But the subjective story will inevitably add more colour and richness: it might include a charged backstory or relationship related to the event itself, a particular interpretation of the event (‘Their sloppy mistake would have made me look like a fool’), a deeply held worldview (‘I’m not here to be nice. If someone is too sensitive to handle criticism, maybe this job is not for them’) or a rationalisation that left them no choice (‘They needed to hear me loud and clear to change their attitude – it’s a critical project, I couldn’t just ignore it’). It’s in the person’s narrative, the ‘story they tell themselves’ that is the cause of the behaviours and this is also where change can land and take effect. 

I fully respect their narrative while simultaneously trying to check if there are any ‘cracks’ in it which could be opened up to new story lines with better outcomes. I tap into my toolkit of coaching questions, whether to naively enquire (‘What else is relevant here?’), affirm (‘It sounds like it was a very frustrating situation that needed immediate resolution’), challenge their assumptions (‘What made you think that a stick approach is the most effective one?’), or search for new possibilities (‘What other options could there be to handle this type of situations?’). 

To stay genuinely curious, I need to juggle empathic connection and neutrality, neither reinforcing a cheerleader, a victim or a critic storyline to avoid perpetuating the narrative that keeps them stuck.

Psychometrics and/or 360-degree surveys are also helpful. These sometimes throw up valuable surprises, for instance a psychometric profile of the ‘aggressive’ client that shows a particularly high degree of empathy, or 360-degree survey result that also includes a number of comments regarding the person’s notable kindness. 

These surprises are very welcome: they add a new dimension to the story behind this particular client’s behaviour. 

 

New goals

Once a trusting bond is present and there’s an expanded understanding of the situation, the internal narrative has loosened a little and is at least entertained as perhaps not the only narrative available, we are firmly in the middle phase of the work. Here we revisit the desired outcome and are able to do so from a richer perspective that the original goal of ‘moderating aggressive behaviour’ can be revisited and expanded, combining the external ‘shoulds’ with the client’s own subjective wishes and intentions. 

A new goal might be: ‘Interacting with colleagues in ways that enhance my reputation as a respected leader and that align with my values’.  Introducing different coaching tools that are aimed at finding new ways to interact and communicate can be helpful in this phase of the coaching. 

Encouraging them to gather feedback after experimenting with new behaviours is also important in order to embed them. Tools and techniques that get the coaches to move beyond intellectual discussion such as roleplays, journalling, perceptual positioning or somatic exercise can also be very beneficial. 

The ‘what to do’ behavioural change work will only stick if it’s considered within the context of the crucial ‘Being’ elements that were uncovered earlier in the coaching since they drive the behaviours that the individual will default to. Questions such as: ‘How did behaving in this new way feel to you?’ or: ‘How does it fit with the sense of who you are as a leader?’ are therefore critical to engage with. 

The work is often iterative, but change comes. When measuring success and outcomes, a follow-up 360-degree survey is a good objective, external marker of progress. Valuing the importance of the subjective, personal narrative, I also ask the client: ‘What are your reflections on how you interact with others now?’ – and I have yet to meet someone who has found a way to behave in a more sympathetic way to others and has not felt the better for it. 

 

About the author

• Eyal Pavell PhD is an executive coach and coach supervisor who works with executives in some of the world’s leading companies and is also a faculty member at Meyler Campbell 
• www.meylercampbell.com
• epavell@consult-ep.com
• www.consult-ep.com