It is safe to say that everyone experiences self-doubt to some degree. For some it can be a spur to do better, for others a hindrance to progress. It is the coach’s task to help the client challenge this debilitating preconception by Suzanne Doyle-Morris
WE ALL experience self-doubt from time to time – working for a new employer, getting a promotion, taking on a large project. The question of whether or not we are up to the task is something most people have asked themselves at least once.
Indeed, self-doubt can spur us on to be better versions of ourselves – to practise our skills that much more, to do that much more research and to channel nervousness into positive energy.
However, when self-doubt becomes the modus operandi, it is debilitating. Coaches must listen out for self-doubt.
1. Appearances may be deceptive
I recently worked with a group of professional women at the networking group Women in Technology on speech skills. They were all moving into more senior positions where speaking publicly was increasingly vital. I asked them to do a 60-second impromptu speech on a favourite holiday spot. The exercise went well and they all got through their minute very credibly.
Afterwards one of the women shyly raised her hand and asked: “How can I be more self-confident – the way everyone else was.” I smiled and asked the group who else also felt nervous delivering their own speech. Her eyes widened in surprise as every hand was raised.
We often assume we are the only one in a group who is nervous or who experiences self-doubt in key moments. The truth is that everyone goes through self-doubt – sometimes on a daily basis – depending on the challenge at hand.
The key is not to let self-doubt put you off attempting the task in the first place.
Make it work
- Ask the client to speak to mentors or colleagues they trust about their own moments of self-doubt. It can be reassuring to know that it is normal – and experienced by people that you respect.
- What will help the person feel more ready for the challenge at hand? Do they need to do more research or to practise their presentation? What steps can they take to reduce the tension?
Fatal flaws
- Brushing off the nerves with an “it will be fine” comment. This can minimise the challenge and make the client feel isolated.
- Saying “everyone gets nervous”. People are individuals. They may know logically that other people experience uncertainty, but digging deeper will be a better approach than perceived dismissal.
2. You really are good enough
I was recently with a client who used a great deal of fatalistic language, such as “I always have a hard time making a good impression”.
She was describing how she had recently been interviewed by a group of seven people for a new role. She explained, rather dismissively, that while the feedback was good from all interviewers and that she was being asked back for another round of interviews, she still hadn’t been able to highlight her relevant experience with a few of them in particular.
During the explanation she said: “I never do well with those types of people.” I asked her who “those types of people” were exactly.
She felt two of the interviewers seemed more concerned with showing off their own knowledge and connections in her industry than hearing about her background.
Based on the feedback she had received, I challenged her: “How true is it that you never do well with that type of person?”
We looked at the evidence. In fact, she had received positive feedback from all seven potential colleagues – including the two who had done all the talking themselves.
When she said that all she did with one particular man was listen to him “show off”, we used humour to joke about the possibility that listening was all she needed to do to “do well with that type of person”.
Because that interview hadn’t gone exactly the way she had planned she assumed it was not a success for the other person, when clearly it was.
She was now able to look at what “good enough” actually was – and chip away at her self-doubt.
Make it work
- Look to the evidence. Ask the client about other times when they felt self-doubt – and were able to overcome it to succeed. In managing it, what did they learn about themselves?
- Play around with the idea of someone they respect. Is it possible this person ever experienced self-doubt? How realistic is it that they got where they are without some uncertainty?
- Biographies as a piece of homework can open the door to the weak moments in the career of someone that the client admires.
Fatal flaws
- Forgetting to look to the “measurables” – what would it take for the person to become even 10 per cent more confident?
- Set the scene by making sure the client knows that the coaching is an investment in their potential, not evidence that someone else sees them as lacking in certain skills.
- Silencing your intuition when you feel a client could achieve more than their current vision. Coaching is self-directed, but often clients who experience self-doubt need to know that we believe in them first.
Conclusions
In my career I have worked through self-doubt many times. Before I wrote Beyond the Boys’ Club, my own coach pointed out that she thought I had a book in me based on all the inspirational senior women I had worked with, paired with my own PhD research around women and success.
My first thought was: “What will I write about?” Nevertheless, a year and 90,000 words later I realised I had quite a lot to share.
I went through it again when I was asked to speak on these topics, wondering who could be interested in hearing me speak. Now I routinely speak to large corporate audiences and enjoy it hugely.
In each case of my own self-doubt it was my coach who first planted the seed that I could be more than even I had imagined. What seed could you help plant?
Suzanne Doyle-Morris PhD is an executive coach specialising in developing female leaders. She is the author of Beyond the Boys’ Club: Strategies for Achieving Career Success as a Woman Working in a Male Dominated Field, Wit and Wisdom Press, 2009.
www.beyondtheboysclub.com
www.doylemorris.com
Coaching at Work, Volume 5, Issue 3