As coaches we know that when we hear clients’ stories we are simply getting their ‘version’ of the reality. It is only when we investigate what is really happening that we can truly help them, says Julie Starr.
What is actually powerful about coaching is what is at its core – truth. The truth is what lies at the heart of something. It goes beyond story or facts. As coaches, truth is our guiding light and the path we must pursue. But in any conversation there will be more than one truth. The role of the coach is to discern relevant truths in a way that helps the person being coached.
Imagine you are coaching Jon.
Jon’s goals for coaching:
Jon is a very experienced management consultant. His clients typically are large organisations that are going through change. In your first session, you notice that Jon is smart, friendly and trying to laugh at his situation. But it quickly becomes clear that he’s fairly tense and not that happy. He’s also a strong character and appears definite about his goals.
Jon explains that he manages major projects, introducing new IT systems, organisational structures and so on. He’s had his share of ups and downs. Often his projects change direction, getting de-scoped, re-scoped or even canned entirely. He says that all projects get “messed around with” to some degree – he expects that.
Jon describes his frustration at the inability of organisations to handle large-scale change. He’s fed up working in environments where petty concerns and inefficiencies prevail. He says what he does is “pointless” and the money “meaningless”. He wants to find something more fulfilling. He’s wondering about a small business, maybe a restaurant.
Jon says his mind is made up. He wants help to decide his future direction, and the steps forward.
As coach you need to structure a conversation in line with these goals, maybe confirm his options, help him decide and then create a plan. Yes?
Well, no, I don’t think you do …
Separate truth from fiction
Remember this is Jon’s story; his story is not the truth.
We tell convincing stories about our situations. As coaches, we need to develop a radar to distinguish story from truth. Without this we just follow the clouded thoughts of people seeking our help.
We need to answer the question, “What’s really going on here?”
Having revealed that, we need to help someone recognise it. If you don’t, and you buy into the story, you risk wasting someone’s time.
As a person tells their story there are normally underlying features, drivers or patterns they’re unaware of. To be effective, we need to develop our own coaching radar, intuition or gut feeling. We must listen to thoughts and feelings that suggest “there’s something missing”.
Set your sights
Using this radar with Jon we might reveal:
- Jon is easily frustrated by people and situations – life actually.
- Something has created the “final straw” for Jon, which led to a strong drive to get away from his situation. The latter is a stronger driver than any pull towards what he really wants, eg, “anything is better than this”.
- Jon doesn’t know what will make him truly happy as he’s more driven by his emotions than his logic. But he’d never tell you that.
Without taking time to surface understanding and insight, you will never reveal these deeper truths. Use questions that increase awareness, such as, “Can you think of a time when you loved your work?”, and “How were things different then?”
Get underneath what clients tell you. They will form insights and make links between events.
We don’t always pursue the truth. Sometimes we avoid pursuing the underlying truth. Here are some reasons why:
- The client seems intelligent, articulate and very logical. In other words, they convince you.
- You’re confused and you don’t want to bring that into the conversation – you may seem dumb.
- You shouldn’t direct conversations and are stopped by that principle, but in an unhelpful way.
- When you want to check back on ‘facts’, the client voices frustration.
- You want to please your client, and they’ve said what they want.
Following your instincts to enquire and challenge takes courage. You risk loss of rapport and increased discomfort. Yet if you are committed to revelation, you must be open to discomfort.
Does provoking = directive?
I sometimes push clients to explore places they don’t want to go – and they can react unattractively.
Anyone watching might say, “Hey, that’s directive – you’re not supposed to do that.” But that’s sometimes an unhelpful principle to operate from when you’re working to surface truth.
A better guiding principle is often non-attachment to your ideas, eg, don’t ‘need’ your opinions to be accepted. Develop self-awareness of your intentions and improved self-management.
Develop your instinct
Your inner wisdom or coaching instinct will guide you to maintain the best course of enquiry. Of course, your instinct will communicate differently with you from how mine ‘talks’ to me. But it might include thoughts, feelings, sensations in your body, and so on.
Maybe you recognise this and are already learning to trust and develop it. It’s one reason why ‘staying present’ is an important practice for any coach.
My own coaching instinct has a stronger casting vote than my mind’s logic. For example, when my logic is shouting, “Don’t mention his spiritual development – he’ll think you’re crazy!”, but my intuition is pressing me to pursue that, then I will. If I’m less sure, I may simply enquire, eg, “How much have you explored your spiritual development?” But when the topic is so clear that there’s nothing else I can see, I will tell them; I will own it, eg, “Jon, here’s what I think.”
Is that directive? Yes. Is that my truth? Yes. Do I judge my truth to be more important than giving Jon what he says he wants? Yes.
Coaches need to help surface truth. We also need to stay present, self aware and remain unattached. Revelation of truth enables people to gain clarity and make progress. It’s the way we add the highest value to the people we coach and the environments they work in.
Julie Starr is the author of The Coaching Manual (2007) and Brilliant Coaching (2008), Prentice Hall. www.starrconsulting.co.uk
Learning points
Tips for uncovering the truth
- Ask yourself, “What’s really going on here?”
- Listen to thoughts, instincts and body sensations that suggest something’s missing.
- Ask yourself whether you’re truly convinced by the client’s story.
- Check whether you’re avoiding asking questions because you want to please your client, you don’t want to look dumb or you don’t want to come across as too directive.
- Be prepared to encounter some discomfort.
- Consider using supervision to help you surface the truth.
Volume 5, Issue 1