By Ros Soulsby

There is a strong fear of ‘not knowing’ in Western culture, which can lead to a disconnect in the coaching relationship with either or both parties experiencing a sense of shame at not being ‘good enough’.

This was one of the themes at a workshop on 22 November at London’s Natural History Museum on ‘Coaching Beyond Survival of the Fittest’, facilitated by Simon Cavicchia and Sue Glasser.

The event set out to raise awareness of how to access the relationship bridge between people, to explore how Darwin threw light on inclusion, exclusion and shame dynamics, and to identify how to use these to inform our relational response to disconnection within individuals, groups and organisations.

Shame is a driving force in our desires and disappointments and to avoid exclusion and therefore humiliation individuals remain connected to the group; which feeds our self-esteem, they proposed.

As participants, we were invited to explore the concept of shame and how it is reflected in our society and our clients’ worlds. This might manifest as coaches not paying attention to what was happening in the relationship and thus concluding they are a dreadful coach. The relationship should be used to inform the coaching approach, with coaches remaining mindful and not falling too far along our own shame continuum.

Cavicchia noted: “A relational approach to coaching enables coaches to go beyond transactions and attend to the dynamics of the relationship between coach and coachee and the context in which the coaching is taking place. Having this wider perspective can reduce the tendency for clients to feel diminished or shamed when they encounter difficulties related to their issues, context or the way the coaching is unfolding.”

Glasser reminded us of how too often we ignore the somatic and consider our bodies as “places to rest heads on”, so discouraging a healthy kinaesthetic connection with ourselves.

She shared some physical techniques for staying connected to what our bodies are describing in the relationship.

Glasser asked: “If you didn’t have words, how would you know you felt that way?”

Ros Soulsby is managing director of Soulsby Training& Coaching, specialising in leadership development