Our themes of Recognise, Release and Reframe are brought together in this final column on the theme of Respond: how to apply this self-knowledge and inner work to a relationship
By Nicole Berg
The quality of your life will never be greater than the quality of your relationships.
I wrote these words in June 2017, at the start of this series of columns on the topic of managing challenging relationships, which I created from a workshop I co-designed by the same name.1
I am, perhaps, an even stronger believer in this statement now. In my personal network, I’ve since been privy to an ugly child custody battle; an unhappy marriage that is all show and no substance; a manager who says jaw-droppingly inappropriate things; deeply felt loneliness and isolation, and more.
I’ve also seen the flip side: an executive in career transition thriving on the support of trusted advisers; a new romantic relationship blossoming as the two learn to navigate their unique communication and conflict resolution styles; a new mother returning to work with the understanding and flexibility of her partner and her employer (hint: that last one was me!)
There is no shortage of relationship challenges and opportunities in my professional dealings as well.
I was brought in to work with Pippa* during the transition to her first management position. She and her manager had some clear areas for us to visit in our coaching, all in the arena of ‘soft’ skills.
As Pippa made leaps and bounds in a short time, becoming highly effective in her new role, an additional area began to emerge: Pippa wanted to know how to influence up.
Inner Workings
I don’t think it was a coincidence that our coaching progressed in the way it did. The soft skills that Pippa worked on initially had their roots in the
self-awareness and confidence of leadership development: the ‘being’ rather than the ‘doing’. Even issues such as delegation came back to ‘being’: holding a mindset of trust in one’s team, for instance, and letting go of ideas of perfection and a certain way of doing things.
In Pippa’s case, where professional relationships were concerned, these areas for improvement corresponded directly with three of four themes we’ve covered in this column: Recognise, Release and Reframe.
We began this series by Recognising the dynamics working within a challenging relationship, and within oneself, comprised of the roles we take of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.2
It also includes our spheres of influence and control.3 This involves awareness of Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.4 None of these can exist in a healthy relationship.
We also discussed the emotional triggers of SCARF: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness.5
Our clients are served when we can help them Release emotions, thoughts and patterns of behaviour that maintain the (challenging and difficult) status quo. We discussed the amygdala (emotional) hijack and strategies to enable a quicker recovery time, such as mindfulness.
The importance of Reframing beliefs to support your goals for a relationship was also highlighted, which may include use of Transactional Analysis and the OK Corral.6
Slow and steady
So then, the first part of managing a challenging relationship is managing oneself. Subsequent to this, we can help clients look at what else they might do to change a situation for the better.
As we know, it’s not possible to change another person, but a client does influence a relationship – the thing, the system, that exists between two people. Still, the instinct can be to try to influence faster, better, more frequently: setting one’s mind and intentions in the zone of ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’.
Focusing on ‘being’ can be counter-intuitive as a way to get something done (for example, improving a relationship), but the emphasis is here for good reason.
Leadership, life and nature coach, Catriona Horey, says: “Focusing on ‘being’ to improve a challenging relationship can feel conflicting in the western world, where action is often the default approach to resolving problems. Yet, without slowing down to focus on how one is showing up and connecting, any improvements in a relationship risk being short term or superficial, while underlying dynamics may persist. One cannot ‘achieve’ a relationship: it is something to be consciously chosen on an ongoing basis, nurtured and built upon by all parties.”
The Co-Active approach7 to relationships places equal weight on ‘being/who we are’ (Co-) as ‘doing/ what we are/aren’t doing’ (Active).
When my clients – predominantly ‘do-ers’ and achievers – face a challenging relationship, we often park the ‘how’ of resolution (the strategies, tactics and communications) and start by revisiting how they are ‘being’ in the relationship: their values and what is important for them, and how they want to bring these into the relationship and show up.
We explore questions like: “What are your boundaries and areas for compromise?”; “What do you want to dial up or down in yourself?” ; “How are you embodying how you want the relationship to be?”
Sometimes we practise the difficult conversation in real time “experimenting with what they want to bring back to their world”, as encouraged by David Drake’s Narrative Coaching model8:
“By reconnecting with who they are, clients can approach challenging relationships with honesty; take responsibility for their part in the dynamic; remain present even in hard conversations; actively listen; connect more deeply, and choose how best to respond.”
Responding
Now that our clients have taken care of what they can control (which indirectly influences the relationship), they can turn their attention to what they can (directly) influence: the relationship. This is our final Respond theme.
I suggest that experimentation, flexibility and openness must live in the land of Response to a challenging relationship. With a destination in mind – a goal for oneself and one’s relationship – our clients are adventurers in uncharted territory.
Each person and each relationship is unique and so our clients must be creative, resourceful, compassionate (to self and the other) and resilient in their journeys.
Horey adds: “Client responses may include proactively modelling how they want the relationship to be; exploring multiple perspectives about the relationship and choosing which serves it best; or adopting a “Wu Wei approach” – strategic non-action – as reflected in the natural world.9
Core to this theme is helping clients become aware that they can choose, in any moment, how to respond to a relationship. This confidence is attractive and, in the case of managing up, can result in clients becoming seen as peers and trusted advisers, in role enhancements and promotions.”
Clients must be on the lookout for evidence to support the new beliefs they’ve created, that in turn help to support their goals.
Through trial and error, our clients will learn the best ways to Respond to create change, and to continue to Respond to maintain that change. They are well-equipped to chart the journey.
* Not her real name
- Nicole Berg is executive director and founder, Charis Community Trust, a coaching-led non-profit that empowers individuals affected by challenging relationships and abuse at home, in the workplace, and in our wider communities.
www.chariscoaching.co.uk
References
- Charis Community Trust (n.d.) Managing Challenging Relationships
https://charistrust.com/employers/managing-challenging-relationships Accessed 24/01/19 - S Karpman, ‘Fairy tales and script drama analysis’, in Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), pp39-43, 1968
- S R Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic, New York: Free Press, 2004
- J Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, London: Orion, 2007
- D Rock, ‘SCARF: A brain-based model for collaborating with and influencing others’, in NeuroLeadership Journal, 1, pp44-52, 2008
- F H Ernst Jr., MD, Transactional Analysis in the OK Corral: Grid for What’s Happening, F H Ernst III, Addresso’Set Publications, 1971
- H Kimsey-House, K Kimsey-House, P Sandahl & L Whitworth, Co-Active Coaching (4th ed), Ch 1, The co-active coaching model, p3, 2018
- D B Drake, Narrative Coaching (2nd ed), Ch 8, p237, How narrative coaching is done, 2018
- E Slingerland, Effortless Action: Wu-Wei As Conceptual Metaphor and Spiritual Ideal in Early China, p7, New York: Oxford University Press, 2007