Lise Lewis shares her framework for weaving compassion into the feedback conversation
We’ve probably all experienced at some time the sinking feeling when we hear the words, “Can I give you some feedback?” The giver of the feedback isn’t usually actually asking permission, it’s more of an entry statement into saying feedback is on its way!
Similarly, what about the times when it’s beneficial for both the individual coaching client and the business to give feedback to someone who is underperforming yet the anticipation fills us as coaches with dread?
Whatever emotion we experience, all too often, introducing the concept of feedback into casual conversation elicits the emoji equivalent of the ‘frowning face’ accompanied by stories of assaulted emotions and bruised egos.
As we know, feedback is expected – arguably essential – for improving performance in individuals and organisations. Yet, despite the availability of robust performance management systems supported by tools and techniques, many continue to feel anxious and say it takes courage to both offer and receive feedback.
The PPR Inter-Relational framework© I’ve created from evidence-based research offers an alternative to the routine tools and techniques we regularly use. This thematic approach guides us into developing a ‘way of being’ that encourages conditions conducive to engaging in feedback. The framework can be adapted for use by anyone involved in the activity of feedback – coaches, mentors, supervisors, managers and leaders.
The framework offers 20 themes for developing a ‘way of being’ and this article introduces a brief overview of one of these themes: ‘Compassion’.
Before offering a rationale for displaying compassion in the feedback conversation, let’s briefly reflect on the contributors to our adverse thoughts and, some may claim, irrational feelings about feedback.
How has feedback shaped ‘who we are’?
Kearney (1986), summarising Sartre’s views on authenticity, writes that “we invent ourselves as we go along… through our own decisions and actions. We are what we are, not because we were born like that… but because we made ourselves like that.”
So what contributing factors might have encouraged us to “make ourselves like that?” Well – the family is probably where we first make our entrance on to the feedback stage. Being the youngest of five siblings I remember well the feelings of being both praised and criticised; I’m sure you can too!
This feedback induction is reinforced throughout our education years with selected critiques staying with us into adulthood. We seem to give criticism more attention than praise. Nass (2010) tells us “this is a general tendency for everyone” and although “some people do have a more positive outlook, almost everyone remembers negative things more strongly and in more detail”.
Evidently “negative emotions generally involve more thinking and the information is, therefore, processed more thoroughly than positive ones”.
Through neuroplasticity, our brains reinforce the retention of thoughts by creating neural pathways that become well-travelled and reinforced with supporting evidence. How this works for feedback is that we strengthen the emotion telling us that feedback isn’t welcome when this reflects the deposits in our bank of ‘bad’ experiences stored over time. When we hear the word, therefore, our brain is reflexive to this now well-established pathway and we react negatively.
Being aware of this phenomenon means we can reverse the negative pattern by retraining our brain to create new pathways that support us feeling and thinking differently about feedback.
While we harbour a detrimental view of feedback prompted by family, social and education experiences, it’s unsurprising, that by the time we join the workforce our perception of feedback is well developed and the activity leaves us less than inspired:
- Many of us feel FEAR giving feedback
- Many of us feel ANXIOUS about receiving feedback
- Many of us AVOID giving feedback – unless it’s good news!
I generalise, but there is sufficient research and anecdotal evidence to reinforce this phenomenon. So how can a ‘way of being’ in the relationship help the feedback conversation in these circumstances? The relationship is increasingly cited in coaching and mentoring literature as key to successful interpersonal engagement:
- “the strength and nature of the relationship between coaches and executives appears as a critical success factor in successful coaching outcomes” (Visser, 2010)
- “good chemistry with the coach, trust, confidentiality… are key ingredients in a strong coaching alliance” (Wasylyshyn, 2003)
We can expand this connectivity between coach and client by referencing counselling literature that describes working at a deeper inter-relational level:
- Mearns & Cooper (pix 2005), reference relational depth as “a sheer sense of connection… not all the time, but at some moments, I would have this sense of my client and I being deeply connected to each other: engaged, enmeshed, intertwined.”
- McMillan & McLeod (2006): “Deeply facilitative therapy relationships are characterized by a willingness to ‘let go’ on the part of the client and enter into an enduring relationship with their therapist. A sense of connection… ambient energy…shifts of consciousness.”
Overview: PPR inter-relational framework©
Seeking this relational depth and how it informs ‘knowing’ when the conditions are right for feedback was the motivation for starting a research study that culminated in creating the PPR Inter-Relational Framework©.
The 20 themes appearing in the framework as a proposal for a ‘way of being’ are organised into three elements (see Figure 1 below). The theme of Compassion appears in the first element: ‘Preparation’. This element informs us what to reflect on before and during the coaching to help us manage what is anticipated to emerge or what may surface in the conversation.
Theme: Compassion
Let’s begin by exploring the association between empathy and compassion, which are often used interchangeably, although there is a difference. Compassion is generally viewed as being more dynamic than empathy.
A simple explanation of empathy is that recognising hurt or distress in another while demonstrating compassion takes us a step further to act and support.
Siegel (2017) describes empathy as recognising, sensing or understanding another’s experiences, not necessarily as a drive to help.
A further definition that helps us understand the difference:
“Compassion and altruistic love have a warm, loving and positive aspect that ‘stand alone’ empathy for the suffering of the other does not have,” suggests Ricard (2015) whose work merges Eastern Buddhist wisdom and Western sciences.
Compassion is about the “ways we sense another’s suffering, make sense of that suffering and imagine how we can help and then carry out the intention to help reduce that suffering”, states Gilbert (2009).
The message, therefore, appears to be that compassion is about action and taking the initiative to help another. To help another, we must first get a sense of what this means and we do this through showing compassion for ourselves.
Neff (2009) describes “having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others”.
The importance of compassion in feedback
The introduction to this article identified the negative emotion that often surrounds the activity of feedback for both the giver and receiver. To remove this feeling we need a shared sense of positive intent promoting the activity as authentic.
We can achieve this with a ‘compassion’ lens which recognises that the underpinning driver for feedback is to support each other through what can be a difficult experience for both.
Our purpose being one of nurturing and not diminishing each other, translates feedback into a positive catalyst for change. Feedback then takes on a new complexion that becomes one of growth and progression even when the most sensitive of areas are presented for discussion.
Strengthening the reputation of feedback is likely to gather momentum through demographic influences and businesses seeking increasing returns from human capital. Future generational expectations predicted to have an impact on working relationships are likely to demand more of us than the ability to demonstrate emotional intelligence.
There is growing evidence that generations, beginning with millennials, are welcoming and have the expectation of receiving feedback. In a Harvard Business Review (2015) article reporting a global survey of 1,400 millennials, findings showed that they want more feedback from their managers, most want feedback at least monthly, whereas non-millennials are comfortable with feedback less often.
Their number one source of development is their manager, but only 46% agreed that their managers delivered on their expectations for feedback.
This is undoubtedly progress for changing any negative image about feedback where this exists and to encourage more ongoing positive engagement especially in performance management discussions.
Even with this expectation what still remains is the human factor and the impact of how we relate. It’s not necessarily what we say, it’s how we say it and how this is coloured by our intentions for feedback.
‘How we say it’ through demonstrating compassion for ourselves and others means we accept the reality of life that none of us is perfect and that generally we’re all striving to do our best.
Dare to care!
Valuing the merits of this compassionate and more caring strategy is a means of inspiring positive and sustainable working practices.
The next stage is to assess the fit with the organisational norm:
- Does the capacity exist to manage workloads in a caring, trusting collaborative culture?
OR
- Are there expectations of ‘more with less’ with intrusive management and detached leadership?
Even acknowledging that compassion attracts reciprocity, the act of caring about others still appears to be lacking in the workplace. This is despite an emergence by more well-informed employers who promote the practice of ‘compassion’ into business speak and who understand the emotional impact of the organisation on their people.
Anecdotal observations from coaching practice suggest that people are too involved with their own survival in fast-paced environments to be concerned too much about others. A recent broadcast on BBC Radio 4 reinforced the dichotomy that
despite signs of organisations becoming more compassionate, mixed views persist, with only 13% of people engaged at work.
Compassion is not about ‘being nice’, it’s about generating a ‘sense of belonging’ and ‘mutual understanding’ driven from the top. Helping people to be the best they can be validates their sense of worth and how they add value to the business.
Try the self-assessment activity below to gauge:
- How you prepare for a feedback discussion
- How this benchmarks with the theme of compassion, and
- How past experiences have informed your approach.
Focus on Inter-Relational Feedback: It’s not what you say it’s how you say it, by Dr Lise Lewis, offers a comprehensive guide to the 20 themes of the PPR Inter-Relational Framework©