Raising awareness of disruptive behaviours in relationships – Part 1.
This issue: How can coaches help clients address behaviours and take responsibility for their part in creating an unhealthy relationship dynamic?
By Nicole Berg
I was assigned a client some time ago – let’s call him Andrew – with whom all signs pre-coaching pointed to a challenge – as an employee and potentially as a client.
Andrew’s line manager indicated that Andrew didn’t seemed very engaged or effective – in fact, I was advised that if he decided to leave the company off the back of our coaching, it wouldn’t be a bad result, and would be far better than no change at all.
Withholding judgements and agendas, I met Andrew for a quick chemistry session and we agreed to work together. What happened next was, in my opinion, fascinating – and very informative of the relationship between Andrew and his manager.
Andrew, the manager, and I met for three-way contracting at the start of the coaching. As facilitator of the discussion, I could easily observe how they interacted and worked together.
Almost immediately, I noticed a pattern: when his manager spoke, Andrew more often than not would twist the corner of his lip down as he listened. He didn’t seem fully engaged in the conversation, responding only to my queries, but not once directly to his manager’s thoughts. He was in ‘nod and smile’ mode – or, more aptly, ‘nod and twist lip’.
Once our contracting was complete and the line manager had left, we launched into our first session, discussing values. I challenged Andrew to use values (his own, and others’) as a lens through which to positively view others he found it difficult to work alongside (aligning with one of his goals), and particularly to do this with his manager.
His jaw dropped and I saw the question in his eyes, as he’d not spoken of this relationship at all. I articulated the body language I’d seen, underlining that no one has values that are inherently bad (eg, hurtfulness, backstabbing, gossiping); rather these can present as a clash of values (eg, transparency/privacy, fun/ efficiency) in which neither is wrong.
Values instinctively trigger emotion, emotion triggers behaviours, and behaviours create a relationship dynamic – for better or, in this case, for worse.
Four horsemen
The behaviour I was observing is one of four identified by Gottman (2007) as the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’. It’s a rather dramatic title, but fully in keeping with Gottman’s assertion that no relationship can withstand these behaviours on an ongoing basis.
I completely agree. The behaviour displayed was a signal of one of the ‘horsemen’: contempt. Defined behaviourally as attacking a person’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her, contempt can be overt, as with insults, name-calling, hostile humour, sarcasm or mockery. Or subtly encoded in body language and tone of voice: sneering, rolling eyes, curling (or twisting!) a lip, or use of vocal monotone.
The second horseman often goes hand-in-hand with the first as part of ‘being on the offensive’: criticism – an attack on a person’s personality or character.
The third horseman is defensiveness: seeing oneself as the victim, while warding off a perceived attack.
The final horseman, often linked to defensiveness, is stonewalling: withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.
Reaching contempt
I spoke to leadership expert and executive coach Stephen Light. His view is that: “If a relationship gets to the stage of contempt, it’s experienced all three horsemen. It’s hard for a relationship to come back from contempt.”
However, it’s not impossible. Light advises meeting the client where they’re at, telling them what you’re observing with evidence, and exploring their response with them.
If in agreement, as Andrew was, coaching questions could focus on their experience of contempt. What it’s like to have it? How do they experience it in their body and energy? How does it sit with their values?
This helps build understanding and consciousness, and ultimately intentionality, helping them to see their role in the relationship more clearly, to take responsibility for their part, for having contempt, and the influence they have on the overall relationship.
With this in mind, Andrew can be offered three broad choices: ignoring the relationship issue; acknowledging it and working to fix it, employing coping strategies, and/ or focusing on keeping communication transactional and respectful; or looking for new employment and removing himself from the relationship altogether.
Working to fix a relationship, Light explains, is almost always done most effectively when working with both parties together – and being willing to eat a fair amount of humble pie.
Fighting back
If the client chooses to repair the relationship to the best of his ability, Light recommends three courses
of action:
- Personal development – the aim here is for the client to come from a place of responsibility, acknowledging their role in creating contempt. This may involve coaching, reading and actively (and continuously) letting
go of whatever stops them
investing fully. - Respectful communication – communication always has an impact and choosing to be more respectful will have the opposite effect to being contemptuous. It’s helpful for Andrew to remember that if his line manager isn’t treating him well, it’s about him, not Andrew. Andrew can resolve not to take it personally or create any other meaning. He can also consider a bigger step towards healing the relationship, apologising for his part to his line manager.
- COIN – being prepared to address a horseman with his line manager quickly in the moment through:
- a) Context – Prefacing the chat with: “I’d like to talk about the relationship/ point out what’s going on”
- b) Observation – Articulating what’s going on, eg, “When we speak about being behind schedule on this project, it can lead to blame and defensiveness, such as when you just said X and I just did Y”
- c) Impact – Articulating the impact of the behaviour, eg, “This strains our relationship and impedes collaboration”
- d) Next steps – Suggesting a way forward, eg, “I’d like to be conscious of and refrain from blame and defensiveness so we can complete the project successfully.”
Reference
- J Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, London: Orion Books, 2007
- Next issue: The Second Horseman of the Apocalypse, Part 2 – Criticism and its antidote
- Nicole Berg is CEO and founder of leadership and development consultancy, Charis Coaching. Coaching at Work partnered with Charis Coaching as part of its Campaign for Gender Equality.
- www.chariscoaching.co.uk
Join the conversation
How, if at all, have you worked with clients around contempt? Have your say. Go to: http://bit.ly/2ikLw0F