In this new column, Nicole Berg explores the complex and multifaceted nature of relationships to maximise fulfilment and quality of life for coaching and mentoring clients
A quote from author Max Lucado perfectly illustrates this point:
“When you are in the final days of your life, what will you want?…Will you hug that college degree in the walnut frame? Will you ask to be carried to the garage so you can sit in your car? Will you find comfort in rereading your financial statement? Of course not. What will matter then will be people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn’t they matter most now?” (A Love Worth Giving, 2009)
I wonder if you’re like me? I can’t say that I fully and consistently live this truth, but it’s something I strive for (with varying degrees of success).
How many of our clients would say they fully and consistently live this truth?
The ‘why’:
Professional relationships
I’m reminded of a discussion with someone from an open-plan office, in which it was common to sit down at one’s desk, begin working on one’s computer, continue working on one’s computer, and end the day without ever saying ‘hello’ to the person beside or across – for days on end.
Or of the all-too-common interaction: “I need to talk to so-and-so again, asking them to submit these figures again, and I just know they’re going to blow me off again; we go through this every reporting cycle.”
Or of the manager who frequently shouts at and belittles a member of their team.
From social disconnection and micro-conflicts to full-on bullying and HR issues, ineffective and unhealthy professional relationships are present in, dare I say, almost every workplace, at significant organisational and personal cost. For instance, one study suggests a strong link between empathetic leaders and financial performance, with leaders who were rated highly in empathy having a return on assets nearly five times that of leaders who were given low ratings by their employees.1
Another study estimates workplace bullying costs in the UK £17.7 billion annually, due to absenteeism, turnover and lost productivity.2 Personal costs to employees vary; on the topic of workplace friendships and social connections, 67% of employees report that having friends at work makes their job more fun and enjoyable, while 55% feel that these relationships make their job more worthwhile and satisfying.3
On the more serious side of the conflict spectrum, one study found that 76% of victims of bullying experienced the same symptoms as victims of traditional trauma.4 The stress of bullying has also been shown to have an adverse health impact not just on people who directly experience it, but also on those who witness such incidents.5
The ‘why’:
Personal relationships
I also think of the stories about challenging personal relationships I’ve heard over the years – like the stories above, these are similar accounts heard time and again from various people.
In a recent survey, just shy of 60% of people reported being very happy in their marriages, down from 65% two years earlier.6
One in four women and one in six men are affected by domestic abuse in their respective lifetimes.7 Even issues that don’t seem like obvious relationship issues can in fact be so. Author Johann Hari gives a brilliant TED talk that illustrates a research-based solution for addiction: connection. Relationships.8
What about our mental health? I had a mentor who, with her partner, owned and ran a funeral home. She was well-acquainted with the benefits of counselling for obvious reasons, yet one of her favourite sayings was: “Sometimes all you need is a slice of apple pie and a good friend to listen.”
For all of these reasons, I am writing this column – and also, for one other.
With a background in working with people experiencing domestic abuse, I have seen similarly abusive behaviours in ‘normal’ personal and professional relationships that weren’t defined by these individuals as abusive or bullying.
I also identified a modified version of the three-stage ‘cycle of abuse’(found in intimate partnerships) in some professional relationships, which I described in an earlier issue of Coaching at Work (vol 12, issue 2). I can’t help but conclude that because relationships (or sometimes a lack thereof) impact everyone, there is not one of our clients – or us – who couldn’t benefit from a more fully informed, purposeful, empowered and motivated effort to improve relationships and by extension,
quality of life.
Conclusion
I’m sure that some or all of these issues sound familiar – and too often, they persist. Relationships are not something that our clients can control per se, but we know that clients can directly and indirectly influence them.
This new column aims to tackle the complex and multifaceted nature of relationships to maximise fulfilment and quality of life for our clients.
Through the use of select tools and techniques and applied theories we can help our clients become best equipped to deal with the trickiest, most challenging relationships in their lives – the ones with the greatest collateral damage, where improvement can have the most profound impact.
And if these are sorted, how much easier will it become to say ‘hello’ to the person at the next desk.
- Next issue: raising awareness of disruptive roles and behaviours in a challenging relationship
- Nicole Berg is CEO and founder of leadership and development consultancy, Charis Coaching. Coaching at Work partnered with Charis Coaching as part of its Campaign for Gender Equality. www.chariscoaching.co.uk
Join the conversation
How do you work with your clients on challenging relationships? Have your say.
Go to: http://bit.ly/2rsRafW
References
1 F Kiel, ‘Return on character: The real reason leaders and their companies win’, in Harvard Business Review Press, 2015
2 S Giga, H Hoel and D Lewis, The Costs of Workplace Bullying. Unite/Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform: London, 2008
3 Business Wire (n.d.), ‘Do benefits of workplace friendships outweigh risks?’ Available from: http://bit.ly/2r6N6TI
4 S Einarsen, ‘The nature and causes of bullying at work’, in International Journal of Manpower, 20(1/2), 16, 1999
5 E Douglas, Bullying in the Workplace: An Organizational Tool Kit. Aldershot, UK: Gower, 2001
6 NORC, General Social Survey Final Report: Trends in Psychological Well-Being, 1972-2014. April 2015. (Accessed 5 March 2017) Available from: http://bit.ly/2pDIXWi
7 Office for National Statistics, Crime Survey for England and Wales. Focus on Violent Crime and Sexual Offences: Year ending March 2015
8 Johann Hari TED Talk, London June 2015: http://bit.ly/2ppw1qL
(Accessed 5 March 2017)