THE REAL MESSAGE
LINDSAY WITTENBERG

When coaching new clients, beware of making subconscious assumptions about them that may be hidden from all parties

In the space of five days recently I had first coaching sessions with seven new clients. One came almost rushing in to the room, saying, “Well, you’ve got quite a piece of work in front of you: this coaching is my last chance saloon!” Another was hesitant and seemed apprehensive.
Over the course of these days I experimented with a slight shift in my approach – from absorbing and cognitively processing a slew of new information and personal stories, to standing back and asking myself even more than usual what the big picture was: What were the big themes of the client’s story? What were their preoccupations and fears? What were they conveying about their contexts and the systems they were in?
I was curious about what these clients’ messages indicated. They stimulated my reflection on the impact of their comments on my expectations of myself: I could have slipped into seeing myself as the first client’s saviour and into questioning my own competence with the second. Both of those responses would have been more about my own ego than my delivery of good coaching.
I began to think, too, about the seeds I was sowing unconsciously in each new coaching relationship. What unarticulated values was I conveying, for example? Not all clients will share my passion for learning: so not only might that particular seed fall on stony ground, but without alertness and sensitivity I might risk alienating a new client.
What assumptions was I making without expressing them to myself, let alone to the client, and yet subconsciously conveying them?
I might also have fallen into the trap of forgetting that each new client was probably making assumptions about me, particularly about my gender, age, authority and responsibility in the relationship.
Instead, I initiated what turned out to be revealing and fun conversations to explore those assumptions.
In triangular meetings with clients’ line managers, the nature of the relationship between them began to manifest itself. I was aware of how important it was simply to observe and not to create my own stories about those dynamics – especially when the manager was giving tough feedback as a basis on which to build coaching objectives.
The less I interpreted, the more I noticed and the more there was to be curious about: the communication between them, the implications for organisational culture, the client’s emotional intelligence and beliefs…
Most important of all was the germination of the coaching relationship: the rapport-building, the development of trust, the living out of honesty, openness and confidentiality from the beginning. Indeed, for one client struggling through the process of redundancy, a safe coaching relationship and the building of her resilience seemed far and away more important than the achievement of her coaching objectives. I recalled the client who had said, only weeks before, “Even when we don’t meet for six weeks, I know you’re supporting me.” I’m curious about how (and whether) that message conveyed itself from the start, albeit unconsciously. 

Lindsay Wittenberg is director of Lindsay Wittenberg Ltd. She is an executive coach who specialises in authentic leadership, career development and cross-cultural coaching  www.lindsaywittenberg.co.uk

Coaching at Work, Volume 9, Issue 4