Fiona Setch
“Life is an enquiry and then you die” – Benjamin Zander1
Death and dying continue to be among Western Society’s greatest taboos – topics that many feel uncomfortable talking about.
During my first career in nursing, I had the privilege of experiencing life through the lens of people coming to terms with their impending death. This taught me a great deal about the essence of communication: in particular, creating and sustaining rapport.
I enjoyed all aspects of my nursing work, but discovered my niche when I moved to London to work with people living with HIV/AIDS. I worked in a ward at (the then) St Stephens’ hospital for 18 months and then for six years at London Lighthouse, an AIDS Hospice. Here, I found myself working alongside patients and their loved ones, helping them come to terms with the rest of their living and for many, their own death.
Nursing young people, who were living with an unknown illness that often led to a rapid death, stigmatised by society because of ignorance of HIV and who were also watching their friends go through the same thing, was hard work. For the first time in my career people would often ask me: “Why do you want to do that?”
In the wings
As I reflect on the experience and the profound impact it had on my life, I realise it prepared me well for my work running my own training business and working as a coach. The themes were working with and through uncertainty and the art of communicating with a person when all they have the energy to do is talk.
To illustrate this, I am thinking of Julian, a man in his early 30s whose successful career as a ballet dancer had been cut short when he developed AIDS five months previously. Two days before he lapsed into unconsciousness and died, Julian shared with me his thoughts on his approaching death; his metaphor for his dying was a celebration of his life:
“I feel like I am in the wings, waiting to go on stage for the most important solo performance of my life.”
A different view
My experiences taught me three essential lessons, which I use every day as a coach:
- Be comfortable with silence and the art of listening Really listen to what the person wants to talk about.
- Supervision is important It has helped me process some of the profound experiences I had as a nurse and now as a coach and supervisor of coaches.
- Carpe Diem – Seize the day I often think of those people who died and who would have loved to still be here. There is a magical moment in the film Dead Poets Society where Robin Williams gets his pupils to stand on their desks to see the classroom from a different perspective. That is what I do in my work as a coach, coaching supervisor and trainer. And what a brilliant view it is!
As our coaching profession develops, we have an assortment of tools, techniques and strategies that we can use in our toolkits.
What I carry with me from my nursing experiences is that as professional coaches or supervisors, the greatest gifts that we contribute to any client are our ears and our hearts.
1. B Zander and R S Zander, The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life, Harvard Business School Press, 2000
Fiona Setch is a qualified coach and coaching supervisor www.fionasetch.co.uk
Coaching at Work, Volume 6, Issue 4