Many problems at work stem from people’s inability to soothe themselves, said David Drake of the Center for Narrative Coaching in Sydney, Australia.
“Many of the behaviours we get called in to coach on are points of immaturity that stem from compensatory behaviours from childhood,” said Drake, speaking on attachment theory at the 1st International Congress of Coaching Psychology.
“People’s narrative schema [working models] are developed from a time before words, and coaching is done with words. Why clients’ stories are so important to me is that they help them hold a mirror into their schema without judgement. We’re trying to help them hold these schemes lightly and to say ‘you did the best you could’ but it doesn’t appear to be helpful any longer.”
According to attachment theory, first described by psychologist John Bowlby, when we as children perceive a sense of threat, we instinctively seek proximity and care. If our needs are not satisfied, we are forced to activate insecure secondary strategies, and then become vulnerable. When we feel secure, benefits include being more open to ideas, growth and others, and being more tolerant of the full range of emotions as well as ambiguity and uncertainty, said Drake.
“Lots of behaviours we’re asked to coach around are [clients’] learnt compensatory behaviours to get their needs met. As a coach, we approach every client’s behaviours as innate positive intent. It’s easy to judge people if they show up as a bully.”
He identified four categories of people: dismissing/avoidant; unresolved/fearful; secure/secure and preoccupied/anxious.
Most are in the secure category and have a positive view of themselves and others. These are the easiest to coach.
Those in the dismissing/avoidant category – often the best workers because they are very self-reliant and good at coping – will find it hard to trust a coach.
Around 80 per cent of people tend to stay in the same category they began in. “But 20 per cent can change. Can you [as a coach] expand their window of tolerance?”
He said we all need coaching: “In a world which seems increasingly to foster reactive thinking and behaviours, it’s time for us to pay more attention to narrative, somatics and the emotional dimensions, for it is at these primal levels that true growth and new stories are possible,” said Drake.
He recommended being more interested in the story that clients are telling you than how traumatic their life has been. And he warned against being overly rational and overly cognitive: “Attachment theory is about emotions. It shows up in our gut. That’s where we have a sense of fear. There is lots of work in this space that allows us to do this [work with emotions].”
Coaching at Work, Volume 6, Issue 2