There’s a fine line between supporting your client and halting their progress. Asking tough questions is sometimes the only way to really face the problem. But why, when and how should coaches challenge their clients?
Jez Cartwright has the answersIt’s often said that coaching is a mix of challenge and support. Get the balance of these two right and you can move your client quickly towards their desired goal.
The problem for some coaches is that they stay too much in the supportive stance. They prefer to be nice to their clients because that’s where they feel comfortable. Others are scared of being too challenging and losing the client.
Perhaps they should ask themselves: “If money weren’t an issue and this client would keep me on regardless, what question would I really ask to help this person make the greatest progress?”
As coaches, our job is to help our clients move themselves from point A to point B in the most effective way. Sometimes that means being more challenging.
My approach to challenge comes not only from my background in sport but also because I lost my business.
During the time I lost the business, I could have lied to everybody, telling them – and myself – that everything was fine because I didn’t want to face reality. My personal experience showed me how important it is to challenge myself and to face up to reality, however unpalatable it may be. I’m now recognised for having a tougher style than most coaches.
Moving forward
There’s no question that the traditional coaching style of identifying an issue to work on and allowing the client to talk it through is highly beneficial. It can be enlightening to open up and express feelings to an unbiased party. This style of coaching will help a client reach a certain point – but it may not take them far enough.
A more challenging style may be appropriate if a client is struggling to make progress – but only if they’re ready to move forward. The trick is knowing when you’ve reached that point. Sometimes it’s obvious: clients are more relaxed when talking about a certain subject. At other times you’ll just have to trust your instincts.
Looking at the positives certainly makes for a more comfortable coaching relationship but it can also be useful to look at where the holes are. That way you can help the client not only see them but find ways to plug them too. After all, a boat may look fine on the surface but if there’s a hole in the hull it will sink.
Being more challenging can help a client break some of the emotional bonds they have developed. I’m not suggesting that you come on like Attila the Hun. Clearly, if the individual is suffering from severe stress or low self-esteem, the first thing to do is to make them feel safe and secure. If they’re suffering from emotional trauma, you have to help them deal with the immediate pain in a highly supportive way. In this respect, coaching is like being a chameleon: you have to adapt your style to suit.
Over-confident clients
Another area where challenge can help is with over-confident clients. If you’re parachuted in to see a problem case – someone who refuses to see reality – you may need to be more challenging.
Senior staff and/or junior superstars who up til now have got by on charm or brashness, may have to learn another way of working in this economic climate.
With these clients, I get into challenge mode faster. I’ll often frame this by saying, “This is going to be tough at times but my feeling is that you can handle it.”
This makes them feel safe but allows me to challenge them. I’ll also check in with them while we are going through the process and ask them for their permission. This is key. I’ll say, “There’ll be a point in the next couple of weeks when you may really hate me because I’ll be asking you every question that you really don’t want to be asked. But we’ll get through it and I’ll support you 100 per cent. Is this okay?”
They usually say “yes”, as deep down they are fed up with where they are and want to change.
With über-confident executives, you have to show that you’re on their level and can speak their language. If you come across all caring, pink and fluffy, it’s doubtful they’ll have any respect for what you’re trying to achieve.
Sometimes I take things to extremes to elicit a reaction. In one session a client told me: “Life is fine.” I answered: “You say fine but you’re so busy that you’re giving yourself no time to assess what’s really going on in your life. If you carry on like this, by the time you’re 50 you’ll have no life at all.”
The client hated the session. Yet they came back and said thank you for showing them the reality they didn’t want to face.
If someone is unwilling to move on, it’s best to suggest stopping the coaching. At this point most clients agree to make a change. Some don’t come back – but that’s okay – they’re not yet ready to change.
Getting tough
A personal fitness coach will often push you to the limit. In the world of elite sports, forget “it’s the taking part that counts” – winning is all that counts. Challenge is essential in this arena.
In the corporate world, sometimes you have to be tough on senior players. CEOs are rarely challenged by those around them. Yet sometimes they need to be or the organisation suffers.
It surprises them when they get challenged with: “What part of that nonsense do you actually believe?”
Sometimes they laugh and hold up their hands, saying, “Okay, you’ve got me.”
Then they start to open up. Your role is to hold up a stop sign and ask: “What are the real issues and what are you going to do about them?”
Very often the brief I’m given – either by HR or the client – is different to the underlying issue. One organisation told me that the senior woman I was coaching had a fear of failure. In fact she had a fear of success. She didn’t like to be in the spotlight so she would always sabotage herself slightly so that she came second.
Ask yourself: “Where are you not challenging yourself?”, “Where are you not challenging your clients?”, and “What are the reasons for that?”
If it’s because you don’t want to lose your clients, that’s understandable, particularly in the current climate. But I challenge you to get yourself a coach who will really challenge you and your business model. Every coach should have a coach. How can the industry progress if we don’t invest in coaching ourselves?
How to be challenging
- If a client is struggling to make progress, if they have issues they are shying away from or if they need to change their way of working, ask for permission to challenge them but reassure them that you think they can $cope.
- Be confident enough to adopt a tougher style or to ask the questions that will really help your client make progress.
- Trust your instincts. Push clients where necessary and get them to see the reality of their situation. You may have to shake them out of their delusions.
- Recognise that deep down they want to change and that your role is to help them along the way.
- Support them when they open up or when they make progress.
- Agree how they’ll tackle the real issues.
- If they’re really unwilling to move on, stop being challenging. They simply may not feel ready to change.
Jez Cartwright is chief executive of Performance Consultants and has been recognised by London’s Evening Standard as one of the five best life coaches in the UK. A former sports coach and psychologist, he has provided coaching to Great Britain’s rowing and diving teams, the England cricket team and professional football teams. He is the author of The Handbook for Exceptional People, First Edition, 2006.
jc@performanceconsultants.co.uk, www.PerformanceConsultants.co.uk