Jock Yewlar of McKee Moose Consulting and Bronte Biscuit of Eh Up Consulting offer some light relief to anyone who has encountered a walking, talking stereotype or spotted the warning signs in themselves. This issue: the Personal Impact Coach
This coach completely believes that although beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes all the way through. So if clients look successful, they will be successful. Her work focuses almost entirely on creating an image so powerful it would fool your own mother.
In the first consultation, she will try to ascertain how serious you are about your image – that is, how much money you can spend and how far you will go surgically.
Her key diagnostic technique involves the age-old tape measure approach to shame you into extending your surgical tolerance. Coaching starts with the Grow model (Get Rid of Waist) and is supported by the visualisation technique MBTI (My Best Thoughts Include). Once you have identified your objectives, the solutions are presented as service packages in ascending order of impact – and price.
The Platinum Package works on the 20:80 rule – 20 years off your looks, 80 per cent off your bank balance. The Aluminium Package buys you expert advice on the application of sellotape as an age-defying tool and the web address of a fake accessories store in Hong Kong.
You will then be introduced to some of the Personal Impact Coach’s best friends: Bill, the body coach, Willimina, the walk coach and William, the talk coach. All three will ensure that you can walk, talk and “jock” in a manner that matches your package objectives.
The process is a 24/7 commitment. Each session starts at 5am with Bill. You will follow his Hurt programme (Huff Until Results Transpire) which will help you to achieve peak physical fitness, or a coronary, whichever comes first. After this, Willimina will teach you the kind of power walk she would expect from a person of your stature. Finally, William will help you to project a voice that matches your personal impact objectives. This is best practised in isolation so as not to scare small children or animals.
Coaching success is measured using a 1080-degree, 10 Years Younger-style feedback instrument whereby data is collected from subordinates, peers, line manager, friends and family. This is also the point at which you will meet Tarot Coach, who will not only help to gather your 1080-degree feedback but will give you some predictions to inform your ongoing CPD.
The final session is often an emotional experience. For those who took the Platinum Package, it is seeing their new (reduced) bank balance. For those who took the Aluminium Package, it is the before and after, which still looks like the before but with sellotape scars and a fake Prada handbag.
This coach is very good at her job as she does have more than 50 years’ experience. Quite surprising, really, as she doesn’t look a day over 35 – obviously, darling!
Purpose of work:
To ensure the client wins in the materialistic arena.
Typical client:
Someone who responds to domination in either a submissive victim capacity or in a “get off on it” kind of way. Many clients were unsuccessful in getting on Trinny and Susannah’s TV programme
What Not to Wear.
Fee structure:
Money is not the real issue, gifts are what are important. Everyone knows diamonds are a girl’s best friend, Coco de Mer is the best face cream and no girl should be seen without a Prada handbag.
Key skills:
Publicity, media attention, immaculate photographic posing and networking with the rich and famous.
Theme tunes:
Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend by Marilyn Monroe; Money, Money, Money by Abba.
Items couldn’t live without:
Manolo Blahnik shoes, tummy- flattening underwear, Gucci shades.
Training/CPD: London fashion week, Milan fashion week, Paris fashion week. Regular reader of Vogue and Harpers & Queen and has read Martin Lukes: Who Moved my BlackBerry by Lucy Kellaway.
Role models:
Anna Wintour, Posh, Lady Diana and Miss Piggy.